GWYGH, Ep. 009: Smooth and Evil (Janine's Notes)

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Kate made Janine watch Osmosis Jones (2001), a gross partly-animated film focusing on a white blood cell cop catching a villain virus before it kills his host. While watching the movie, Janine took notes on the plot as it progressed. Basically, these notes are a stream of consciousness as Janine watched this movie.

  • Opening has the WB logo like a cell, that’s pretty cool
  • Bill Murray plays a zoo keeper
  • IS HE EATING A MAYO EGG
  • LIKE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
  • His daughter (Shane) is trying to get him to take care of himself
  • Cheeseburger as a baby. Nice
  • He promises his child that he’ll take better care of himself
  • Monkey steals his egg
  • “It’s just an egg, dad!”
  • OH MY GOD HE FIGHTS THE MONKEY OVER HIS EGG AND IT FALLS IN THE CAGE AND THEN HE PICKS IT UP AND EATS IT ANYWAY AND CLAIMS TEN SECOND RULE I WANT TO DIE WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME
  • KATE WHY DID YOU MAKE ME WATCH THIS
  • THE ANIMATION OF IT SLIDING DOWN HIS GULLET MAKES ME WANT TO DIE EVEN MORE
  • I HATE THIS SO MUCH OH MY GOD
  • Introduction of Osmosis Jones, he’s reading a nudie mag of sorts for DNA
  • He begins fighting the bacteria that came in on the egg, with police as ground control, but of course the bacteria like takes control of a cop car
  • Bill Murray (Frank) yawns and pulls the bacteria in further
  • Osmosis Jones chases the bacteria, even though it’s “out of his jurisdiction”
  • Hah. The police car crashes into a billboard of the butt. Nice. Butt jokes.
  • What is this funky remix of Hot Blooded by Foreigner?
  • Of course Osmosis Jones misses when he tries to shoot the bacteria, instead hitting the nerve receptors
  • Frank has a giant cramp on his front porch, which results in his muscles crushing the city of Downtown Frank
  • It’s kind of funny that Bill Murray is displayed as the epitome of unhealthiness when he’s not even that overweight, he’s just gross. I wonder what kind of actor they’d choose if they remade this
  • The “sewage” workers are cleaning up the remains of the egg, complaining about how gross Frank is, when our villain is introduced!
  • This movie is very weird in that it has zero set up whatsoever, we just jump straight in media res but like not in a good way
  • “Careful, I’m contagious” okay, haha, nice quippy villain line
  • EW THE SEWAGE WORKER LIKE ERUPTS INTO DNA BOILS OR WHATEVER HOW GROSS
  • The mayor is an interesting character, fielding questions from worried journalists
  • Million Membrane March, nice
  • And “Frank Online” instead of AOL Online
  • He watches the political ad of a guy running for Mayor, “Colonic” so i guess there’s an election coming up? What
  • Okay so Frank is laying on the couch surrounded by fried chicken, nature valley granola bars, Lay’s chips, twinkies, and other snacks
  • He whines for his daughter to bring him more snack foods
  • The mayor can control Frank’s voice sometimes, but like, how does this make sense? Who DOES make the decisions for Frank? A spiritual part of his body? Non biological, non neurological? I’m so confused
  • Jones is back at the office -- like the police department -- and getting yelled at by the boss
  • He gets an assignment to check out what’s going on in the throat, but he’s bummed to find out a pill is going to be helping him on the case (because frank is taking some cold medicine)
  • He starts flirting with the mayor’s secretary (Leah), which is pretty gross, to think about bacteria getting it on with each other
  • “The kind of cell who mostly divides with itself” Haha, okay, that was cute
  • The scale of items related to each other is very weird -- the pill is big, but it would be like, EVEN WAY BIGGER to scale
  • Drix, the pill, recites the warnings for the medicine, which is cute
  • They’re responding to inflammation, which is the job of germ fire fighters, WITH A MINI DALMATIAN GERM
  • Osmosis Jones decides to check out the site where the saliva boat crashed (that caused the inflammation) and gets jumped by a little tiny germ… which speaks in Spanish, which is… unfortunate?
  • Drex freezes the germ witness before Osmosis Jones can get any useful information
  • “What’s it like working with the two dumbest animals in this zoo?” “It’s not so bad.” “WE’RE TALKING TO THE CAMELS!!!” Honestly, you shoulda seen that coming
  • The armpit is full of mobsters… wow
  • “Ebola is a case of dandruff compared to me!” You sure about that?
  • He kills the armpit germs leader, but the goons quickly switch to his side
  • Frank is thinking about skipping out on his daughter’s school hike
  • Osmosis Jones calls up the library to ask about the name he got from the germ - “La Muerte Roja” - “The Red Death”
  • “We’re mostly about sports statistics here” hahah
  • DRIX ATE THE GERM WITNESS’S BODY PARTS WHEN HE BROKE A PIECE OFF BY ACCIDENT
  • The Red Death’s plan is to hide behind cold symptoms until he makes his big move
  • Drix does his best to seal up the membrane dam, but it’s destroyed by the Red Death, releasing a wave of snot and mucus, which is grody
  • Snot drips out of Frank’s nose but he just sucks it back up, which is gross
  • The news thanks Drix for stopping the runny nose, and gushes about cute new animal crackers in the stomach to be seen
  • The mayor responds to Colonic’s message of health and diet
  • He wants to keep Frank fat and happy, which results in cheers from “The Love Handles” neighborhood
  • Osmosis Jones and Drix argue in front of the mayor about the virus and whether or not it’s just a common cold, because Osmosis Jones saw The Red Death
  • He has a “record,” which results in a flashback to Frank at a science fair showing off his daughter’s project
  • This kid with a project about oysters (which Frank obviously eats) at the science fair says “hypotenuse” instead of “hypothesis”
  • Ah, this must be the incident that was mentioned earlier when Frank was worried about his daughter’s teacher being mad at him
  • Frank vomits all over Shane’s teacher because Osmosis Jones presses the “puke” button after seeing some nasty germs come in
  • The photo goes the newspaper version of viral, resulting in him getting fired from the pea soup factory, and then he begins working at the zoo
  • Drix says that Osmosis Jones made the right decisions
  • Frank doesn’t wear shoes into a restaurant, claiming protections because of his ingrown toenails……. This is so gross
  • He tells his daughter that they’re going to a trip to a chicken wing festival in Buffalo, NY, which does not make her happy, but she pretends to be excited
  • There’s underground chicken pox fighting
  • “There’s a virus, arrest him!” “No, he used to be a virus, but he’s on our side! He’s a flu shot!” “That’s funny, he doesn’t look flu-ish” BOOOOO
  • The flu shot tells them that there’s a big meeting going down on the forehead zit
  • The zit is a night club… hrm
  • DRIX IS WEARING THE FROZEN GERM AS A HAT, WHY? It’s part of his disguise
  • Ew I actually shuddered in disgust at some of these germs getting popped like zits
  • Red Death brags about all the people he’s killed so far and plans on killing Frank in 48 hours
  • Osmosis Jones gets caught by the viruses while he tries to sneak among them
  • Drix comes in to save the day! Which results in the zit popping on Shane’s teacher’s face, which is horrible, this movie makes me want to die
  • Osmosis Jones gets fired from the force because of zit incident and starting a panic about the virus
  • The mayor also insults Drix, calling him a generic and temporary fix
  • Shane stands up for herself and her health, then blames Frank for her mom’s death because they don’t take care of themselves
  • Drix and Osmosis Jones pass ways, Drix not wanting Frank to build up an immunity, leaving on a bus to the bladder haha
  • He goes to the theater, which is just Frank’s dreams, ranging from the classic didn’t study for a quiz dream to “his worst nightmare” about his daughter marrying his creepy friend Bob
  • The Red Death (Thrax) breaks into the nervous system, and escapes into the subconscious, which is a collection of embarrassing memories and such
  • Osmosis Jones realizes Thrax is in the brain because the memory theater is tinged red
  • He goes to get Drix from the bus, convincing him to help with fighting the virus
  • Uncle Bob makes Frank drink a bunch of beer because you have to “drown a flu” haha
  • What was the point of Shane getting false eyelashes on the school bus?
  • Shane sees her dad getting loaded into an ambulance on the side of the road (he passed out from being sick)
  • Frank is in the ER with a 106 degree temperature
  • Osmosis Jones chases Thrax out of Frank’s body to try to stop him from escaping - they land in Shane’s eye
  • What’s up with the Matrix reference?? I guess because Thrax is Laurence Fishburne haha
  • OH, so that’s why the false eyelashes thing was important - they land on the falsies while they’re fighting, causing Thrax to fall into a container of pure alcohol, which kills him
  • A string quartet plays as the body begins to fall into disrepair - like the Titanic
  • His temperature reaches 108 and he flatlines
  • WOW THIS MOVIE GOT DARK FAST, Shane crying over Frank’s body about how she didn’t mean to blame him for her mom’s death
  • Osmosis Jones catches a ride back onto Frank via Shane’s tears
  • He brings what Thrax had stolen from the Neurological center, reversing the damage and Frank lives again
  • Drix and Osmosis Jones join the force again - Drix stays even though his work visa has expired, because Jones says he’ll get him a good lawyer from the hemorrhoids
  • Fast forward to Frank and his daughter Shane going on hikes together! Cute
  • Hah, JK, they drove most of the way
  • He’s eating healthier, eating carrots and the like
  • He farts out the old mayor
  • “Out with the old, in with the new” how nice! What a hopeful message for such a gross movie
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