GWYGH, Ep. 013: Basketblades (TM) (Janine's Notes)

When Janine watches a movie, she takes notes as it progresses. The following is a collection of her thoughts as she was watching Dodgeball (2004) for our episode where we created the new sport known as Basketblades. 

  • Opens with a fitness commercial
  • “Overweight and under-attractive” lol
  • White Goodman, owner operator and founder of Globo Gym AmericaCorp
  • Didn’t he also play a douchey fitness instructor at the fat camp movie?!
  • “It’s only your fault if you don’t hate yourself enough to do something about it!” welp
  • “Frankesntein to Franken-fine”
  • After all the surgeries, “You’ll still be you in a legal sense” hahahah
  • Is Vince Vaughn (Pete) getting his jollies by his dog?
  • He gets messages from the water and power company saying that they’ll be shutting down his account, so he has money players
  • Even unable to return his porn movies to the video store!
  • His car barely starts either
  • Justin Long is in this movie? Oh boy
  • He has his own gym as well! Average Joe’s. And the guy from grandma’s boy (Joel David Moore, playing Owen) is working at the gym
  • And he’s “voicemail dating” but hasn’t received a message yet
  • The staples guy from Office Space is here! He’s “Gordon”
  • This movie made me remember I need to go back to the gym hahah
  • Justin Long is playing a guy named Justin. Hahah
  • I think he gets paired up with a fat girl
  • DO YOU GET IT? SHE’S FAT!
  • Anyway he gets crushed under her
  • The fat girl looks really familiar, she’s the girl from All That, Lori Beth Denberg
  • Lots of familiar faces in this movie! Alan Tudyk plays the pirate Steve
  • Pete is sexually harassing a sexual harassment lawyer haha
  • He owes money on his gym (50k) and needs to repay it
  • His gym is going to get bought out by the Globo Gym
  • There’s a very homoerotic workout scene between the trainers haha, Pete calls it “dude sweat”
  • Pete slept with three of White’s female trainers -- I like how they had to specify female there so you don’t get any wrong ideas
  • Justin rouses the gym members to help defend Average Joe’s and raise the money
  • Owen decides to do a car wash fundraiser
  • Turns out that they do it the same day across the street from some sexy girls in bikinis so no one’s interested in their fundraiser
  • There’s a cut out of White from GloboGym hiding at the gym
  • So Gordon reads Obscure Sports Quarterly and suggests they all play Dodgeball to get the money
  • The cash prize for first place is $50k
  • Justin says they had to watch a film about it in PE class the previous year
  • White is shocking his nipples to resist eating a donut
  • He can puff up his tight spandex to make it look like he has a bigger dick?
  • The lawyer (Katherine) comes over to discuss the acquisition
  • HE’S DRINKING VITAMIN WATER
  • ONE OF THE BIGGEST SCAMS OF HEALTH IN THE 2000S
  • Coca Cola company put out these sugary “vitamin infused” waters that were absolutely horrible for you but since they were called Vitamin Water people loved it
  • White harrasses Katherine, who throws up in her mouth a little bit when he asks her on a date lol
  • Hahaha the captions said [crotch deflating] once she left
  • Dodgeball was apparently invented by “opium addicted chinamen” which is. BAD
  • The film explains the rules of Dodgeball, which i’m sure we all know
  • Patches, a dodgeball champion, comes on film to describe the rules
  • He encourages the kid to pick on the weaker kids
  • The Five D’s of Dodgeball: Dodge, duck, dip, dive, and... dodge
  • “Is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?” “I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal.”
  • Apparently the cutout is a secret camera as well
  • Gordon has a “mail order wife” who comes to the game to psych him out cause she hates him
  • They’re playing against girl scouts! But they’re not really girl scouts because they have a different color uniform
  • They lose pretty badly to the girl scouts, but the drug screening revealed steroids and a “beaver tranquilizer” so Average Joe’s wins by default
  • The lawyer Katherine is Marcia from the Brady Bunch!!
  • White starts his own dodgeball team. With team members, Blade, Laser, Blazer, and Me’Shell. Fran, from “Romonovia” is also there
  • Everyone else is disgusted by Fran because of her teeth but Owen is smitten by her
  • There’s a guy with a leather jacket watching this happening and drinking, I think he decides to train the Average Joe’s
  • White is friends with the dodgeball chancellor, so he didn’t have to win a qualifying game like they did
  • I love that Pete defends Steven pirate-ness
  • It’s Patches! From the film! He’s going to coach them
  • He makes them line up and says the iconic line - “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball” and then hits justin in the face with a wrench
  • They do athletic training while Patches randomly throws wrenches at them
  • Steve gets to wear an eye patch because of the wrench injury at least!
  • They have to run through traffic - “if you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball”
  • Katherine, who’s been watching them, shows them how hard she can throw - “eight years of softball” “Man she gottta be a lesbian” “She is not a lesbian” SHE BETTER BE A LESBIAN
  • White is fucking a slice of cheese pizza while someone (I think Patton Oswalt) is narrating a cooking pizza video
  • Me’Shell tells White the team is getting better and they should worry about it
  • White Goodman decides he has to “woo Kate faster than nature intended”
  • White tells Kate that he got her fired so they could date
  • Kate hurts White when he tries to kiss her haha
  • “It is over between us, Kate. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. NOBODY!”
  • “Well at least that wasn’t weird?”
  • Pete comes in because he smells cookies, and sees Kate’s house is full of unicorn art
  • ESPN 8 is covering the Dodgeball game - “If it’s almost a sport, it’s here!”
  • The announcers -- Pepper is played by Justin Bateman and Cotton is Gary Cole. Beautiful
  • Owen designed the new Dodgeball uniforms! But instead he gets a lot of BDSM gear and it cuts to a BDSM convention where they’ve got the Dodgeball uniforms
  • The rules require they wear uniforms so the Average Joes comes out wearing the BDSM gear - Pete has a collar that says DADDY hahaha wow
  • Katherine is the only player still left, but she catches a ball and gets the “two-one switcheroo” and she and Pete win the game
  • HAH the coach for the German team is David Hasselhoff
  • “Those men and that lesbo out there believe in you” “Kate’s not--” SHE BETTER BE A LESBIAN
  • Patches gives Pete his scarf and asks him if he wants to go share in his hookers but Pete turns him down
  • Justin’s crush Amber is in the same hotel -- she’s in the cheerleading championships, but her boyfriend is irritated by Justin’s presence and pulls her away
  • Average Joe’s somehow got their actual uniforms back as they play against these lumberjacks and win
  • Globo Gym cobras win against the “Kamikaze” Japanese team
  • Average Joe’s plays against “Skillz That Killz,” the inner city team
  • In the next game against the Cougars, Average Joes doesn’t do as well, with only Gordon left as they do a time out
  • Patches tells Gordon he has to get angry -- Gordon sees his wife flirting with another man and gets angry enough to hit the players - all the way down to one on one, and then he wins, yay
  • Cotton says that the Average Joes probably do so well because of Patches and “the luck of the irish” - cut to a bar sign that says “The Luck of the Irish bar and grill”
  • Pete says as long as they have Patches they’ll be sure to beat Globo Gym - but sure enough the Luck of the Irish sign falls down and crushes Patches, killing him
  • White shows up in Pete’s room to offer him 100k for his gym
  • It’s unclear whether or not Pete took the offer
  • But Pete tells the team when he rejoins them at the bar that they’ll probably lose
  • Steve says hello to Peter on the way to the bathroom and Peter tells him he’s not a pirate :(
  • Owen spots Fran at the bar and decides to go say hello
  • Nooo, Steve is sad - someone calls him a freak on the streets and another person throws a milkshake at him and tells him to go back to Treasure Island
  • Kate goes to check up on Pete but sees that he’s checked out of the hotel
  • Amber finds Justin - her boyfriend fell off the roller coaster and broke every bone in his body, just as one of his teammates predicted
  • She asks him to come fill in for Derek and that he should get back in time for Dodgeball
  • Justin fills in perfectly at the cheerleading competition but tells Amber he has to go back to the dodgeball tournament to get “his own trophy”
  • … Lance Armstrong finds Pete at the bar, telling him that he hopes that he wins because he really likes watching him
  • This is really awkward to watch with the news about Lance Armstrong using steroids and how far he’s fallen from grace
  • “I’m sure this decision won’t haunt you forever” hahaha
  • William Shatner is one of the Dodgeball officials, who say they have to forfeit because they don’t have enough team members
  • Pete shows up so they manage to use the bylaws to overturn the decision to forfeit
  • The final of the three judges is Chuck Norris
  • Owen and Fran stare at each other longingly before they both get elimnated haha
  • The only player left is Justin - but he manages to catch two balls and brings in two more players - and Amber declares her love, distracting Justin and he gets out
  • White mockingly says “Joanie Loves Chachi!” which is an old tv show
  • White gets a warning for hitting Kate when she was already on the way out
  • It appears that Cobra won - but there was a “double fault” because White stepped over the line
  • 113-D, sudden death - something that was brought up earlier by Gordon
  • Pete looks down at Patches’ scarf, and Patches appears to tell him he believes in him
  • Pete blindfolds himself like he did during Patches’ training and wins the sudden death match
  • The team celebrates! Fran and Justin make out, and Shatner gives them the check for $50k
  • White tells him he signed over his gym already so none of this matters
  • He bet the $100k against his team which meant he won $5 million! He is going to get a majority interest in Globo Gym, including Average Joe’s
  • Pete is now White’s boss!
  • White steals a hotdog from a kid on the way out
  • Steve shows up at the end of the game, and tells Pete he’s right, that he’s not really a pirate
  • “I don’t know, Steve. If you’re not a pirate, who the hell am I going to split all this treasure with?”
  • THE TREASURE BOX SAYS “DEUS EX MACHINA” ON IT
  • YEEESSS
  • Kate IS a lesbian and she sees her girlfriend Joyce
  • “Hey, I’m not a lesbian. I’m bisexual.” So then she kisses Pete?! WHAT? WHAT IS GOING ON
  • Pete does a commercial which is a nice foil to the GloboGym commercial in the beginning
  • JUSTIN KNOCKS UP AMBER
  • White gains all the weight back, watching the commercial from the couch mockingly, eating chicken from a bucket
  • It was an okay movie. Lots of celebrity cameos and stuff
  • I’m sure it was hilarious when it came out, especially to kids
  • Last year, ESPN made “ESPN 8” for April Fool’s, like 13 years after the movie came out
  • Oh God
  • There’s an after credits scene -- what the fuck. It’s like weirdly self aware bit:
  • “Yeah, I hope you're all happy now. Good guy wins, Bad guy loses. Big freaking surprise. I love happy endings. You know, that's the problem with... the American cinema: Can't handle any complexity in it, you know? "Don't make me think, I just wanna be entertained." All right, fine. You want a little something, something for the ride home? Check these boobs out for size.” And then he dances to “my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” by fondling his breasts
  • “You happy? Fatty make a funny?”